Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and they say "you should set boundaries", but you have no clue what that looks like or how to create a boundary?
I believe this is because the word boundary is said often without guidance and context. It is kind of like a "buzz" word we sometimes use. In order to create a boundary, you have to understand what it means.
Lets start with defining the word. According to Websters dictionary the word boundary means a point or limit that indicates where two things become different. Unofficial rules about what should not be done: limits that define acceptable behavior.
I once heard boundaries being described as the guidelines we use to develop relationships and determining how we want them to grow. This perspective on boundaries was like a light bulb moment for me. For a long time, I thought of boundaries as a way to create distance in my relationships, a way to keep people out, or keep me in. What I have learned is that is not a boundary but a wall. When thinking about boundaries as a set of guidelines, it allows for a discussion to be held about how do I want to be treated, what behaviors will I allow in my relationships and what behaviors are not acceptable. Being able to establish healthy boundaries allows for one to engage in healthy relationships or as someone I know pointed out to me it allows for love to be experienced in new way. Now you maybe reading this and thinking " that is great Mickey, but how the heck do I create a boundary". Well lets keep chatting...
First I want to say, I will not sugar coat this, establishing boundaries can be difficult, but I promise they are worth it! Okay here are a few steps to consider:
1- CREATE: when first creating a boundary, it is important to establish your why for wanting to create that boundary in your relationship. Along with establishing your why, it can be beneficial to answer questions like: how do I want to be treated, what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviors. It maybe beneficial to write this out as you are establishing your needs and whys for creating a boundary.
2- STATE: this can be a difficult step as this is when you decided to share with the other person or persons that you are going to be changing your behaviors. Boundaries are not about changing the other person, but changing our own behaviors in how we interact in our relationships. I will say this step can be hard because we are now inviting the other person in, sharing how we are choosing to change, and it can be difficult to separate ourselves from their reactions or responses. I want to share with you when stating your boundary with the other person, I believe you have to be prepared that the other person may not like the changes you are creating because for a long time they have had unlimited access to you, your time, and your attention, and now you are stating this access will look different. This leads us to the next step.
3- MAINTAIN: okay, lets be honest for a moment, this is the step which could be the most challenging for you, but can be so rewarding! After creating your reason why for establishing a boundary, and then stating the boundary, it is now time to maintain and follow through with the behavior you are changing. Sometimes this will go well, and sometimes the other person may want to test your limits, but it is important to acknowledge they are testing your limits, but you will need to continue maintaining your new boundary. Despite how challenging it maybe to maintain a boundary, it is rewarding when you are able to maintain the boundary and the other person begins to build a relationship with you within the newly established guidelines you have created for that relationship.
Reminder: Relationship dynamics take time to develop and change.
Do you understand a little more about what a boundary is?
Do you feel as if you have a few tools to start creating a boundary in a relationship you have?
Whether the answer to these questions are yes, no, or maybe, I encourage you to reach out to me or a local counselor if you need assistance in exploring what boundaries may look like for you and how they can help you explore your behaviors, feelings, needs and whys for establishing a boundary.
You are not alone in this journey!
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