Have you ever felt your emotions get the best of you? A family member made a negative comment about you, so you had an angry outburst and yelled at them. You were offered two jobs but were so overwhelmed by your anxiety that you felt completely paralyzed by the difficult decision. Your best friend canceled plans, so your sadness of feeling unloved made you isolate yourself.
Sometimes our emotions can feel so overpowering that we lose control of them and act in ways that we later regret. When we realize we overreacted, we feel embarrassed or shameful.
These are signs of emotional dysregulation. By not properly tending to our emotions as they come up, we lack the management necessary to process our emotions in a healthy manner and respond appropriately.
What does emotional dysregulation look like?
Emotional dysregulation can show up in many ways depending on the situation, our emotional state, and people involved. Below are some examples of what emotional dysregulation can look like.
Outbursts
Mood swings
Feeling stuck
Impulsive behavior
Self-harm
Substance abuse
Isolation
Avoidance of emotions
Effects of emotional dysregulation
Although some people learned how to regulate emotions during childhood, many people did not grow up with the support, language, or opportunities to do so. It’s important to understand how emotional dysregulation negatively impacts our well-being and relationships, so we can be empowered to make changes for the better.
Responding with intense emotions that are not appropriate for the situation affects our mental health, our physical health, and our relationships. When we lose control of our emotions, we place further stress on our mind and body than the emotions themselves did, causing unnecessary suffering. It is like fueling the fire of emotions, only making it harder to put out. Not only can emotional dysregulation harm us, but it can damage relationships or cause issues at work.
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is taking action to alter the intensity of emotions. We cannot control what emotions come up at any given time, but we can control how we respond to them. Taking intentional action in response to emotions gives us the power rather than allowing our emotions to overpower us. Keep in mind that emotional regulation is not avoiding or suppressing our emotions but rather adequately processing and expressing them.
Ways to regulate emotions
If this is new to you, emotional regulation can take time and practice. There are many different strategies to foster the skills to regulate emotions. Below are some ways you can foster emotional regulation.
Accept emotions
Emotions are a normal part of the human experience. When unexpected or unwanted emotions come up, we may criticize ourselves for having them. Practice self-compassion, and honor your emotions as they exist.
Take a step back
Emotions can arise quickly. Give yourself space from the emotions before you get too caught up in them. Take a breath, and slow down before responding.
Calming activity
One intentional way to give yourself space from the overwhelming emotions is to participate in a calming activity. Listen to music, cuddle with your pet, or meditate, so you can return to processing your emotions from a more stable place.
Reframe emotions
Sometimes emotions can seem intense due to the judgement we place on them. Our brains communicate to our bodies through emotions, so see if you can recognize what our emotions are really telling us.
Journal
Journaling can be a great way to process emotions. Consider the situation at hand, the thoughts and emotions that came up, and our behavior. This can help bring awareness to our thoughts, feelings, and actions, so we can balance our emotions with logic.
Therapy
Although it is our responsibility to regulate our own emotions, you do not have to do this alone. Seek therapy to explore emotional patterns and identify helpful strategies to practice emotional regulation.
Emotional regulation activity you can do right now
Focusing on our breath can help us regulate our nervous system. You can use breathing exercises to ground yourself and calm your emotions.
Box breathing: 4 easy, repeatable steps
Breathe in for four seconds
Hold your breath for four seconds
Breathe out for four seconds
Hold for four seconds
Repeat all four steps as necessary
Use the graphic below to guide you through box breathing.
You can also use box breathing in tandem with accepting, honoring, processing, and
reframing your emotions.
1. Breathe in: State and accept the emotion (ex: “I am stressed”)
2. Hold: Honor the emotion
3. Breathe out: Give yourself a positive affirmation (ex: “I am capable”)
4. Hold: Honor the affirmation
As you start or continue on your journey of emotional regulation, give yourself grace and understanding. It is okay if you did not learn these skills growing up. You are doing what you can to take care of yourself now. Emotional regulation is power to better ourselves, our relationships, and our lives.
Sources
Emotion Regulation – Psychology Today:
Emotional regulation: Skills, exercises, and strategies – BetterUp:
How to Deal With Dysregulation – Very Well Mind:
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